Regarding the Enchanter and the Bhaalspawn
by Coliar
Summary: [BG2] When you have lost everything, there is always more to lose. Hope is easily lost. A moment in time. [Oneshot, probably.]


DISCLAIMER: Xan is Bioware's, not mine. The Xan for BG2 mod can be found at and is worth playing.

Brynnlaw tavern here. Some spoilers for Baldur's Gate 2 if you haven't gotten to Chapter 4. Definite spoilers for Xan for BG2.

* * *

"Everybody get some rest now, we have a huge journey ahead of us tomorrow." Xan sighed as soon as Kitana was gone from the doorway. Across the table, Imoen raised an eyebrow.

"Wow, you really have it bad for her, don't ya?" she asked, sounding oddly smug for someone with no soul. "I knew it all a---"

Xan jumped to his feet. "Imoen, please... It has been a long day, do not remind me any more."

Imoen put her glass down with a thump. "Sure, sure, you can say what'cha want now but it doesn't really make a difference, y'know? You're in love, and breakin' her heart won't help neither of ya. And this soul business ain't just hurting her, we're all down 'bout it. This is when she needs your support and stuff, not bein' abandoned."

Ignoring the girl's annoyed expression, he got to his feet and headed upstairs and into his room. As soon as he closed the door behind him, a hand covered his mouth.

"Please don't scream." Kitana whispered from behind him, "I just need to talk to you!" Her voice was so desperate, nothing like the calm, confident elven Bhaalspawn he had once known, that he did as she said. "Xan, there is something I have to talk to you about. It is very important and if I do not tell you I think I may lose control again, so please listen to me." She spoke quickly. He turned around, backing up to sit down on the bed.

"If it means that much to you..." Suddenly he looked up at her face and shivered. She looked tired and anxious, and he couldn't help feel guilty yet again for what he had said to her before. Her eyes looked strangely hollow. Her face almost scared him now. An elf without a soul was unthinkable.

The Bhaalspawn sat down on the bed next to him, hands clenched in her lap. "Xan... There is a lot I want to say to you, and it would mean everything to me if you would just hear me out and promise to think about my words."

_Empty._ She looked positively tormented, staring down at her hands. For a second all he wanted to do was comfort her, but the memory of last night was all too clear. _Shadows, claws... The blood. Corellon, the blood._ He ran. There wasn't enough time to cast a spell, he just ran. Behind him Aerie and Imoen were chanting and he ran a little faster, or the monster ran a little slower, and Kivan had yelled something. _Gone._ And suddenly she changed back to herself and collapsed on the tile, crying. That had shocked him. She was fully aware of what she had just done. She knew that some part of her had just tried to kill him. And as he looked at her now, he couldn't get that image out of his mind. _She is dead inside... Hollow. We have lost._

"Amin mela lle. I love you. Xan. I know that I promised you that you would never become my only reason for living, but I honestly have been trying to find a reason to live at all right now, and the only reasons I have are you and Imoen."

_Why am I such a coward? But what else could I have done?_

"The reason I go on fighting for my life, go on with this horrible hunt for Irenicus... Hells, the reason I still want to be alive..."

_I remember when she told me that life was worth living for its own sake, just to be alive and breathe the air and see the world and live. What has happened to you, Luridel?_

"...is that when I kill Irenicus and regain my soul, I will find some way to remove this taint from me. If there is any way, I shall find it... And be myself again, the self I should always have been, for the first time in my life... And when I am no longer a Bhaalspawn, my first act will be to apologize to you, for putting yourself through this anxiety, this pain, over me."

Xan risked a glimpse at her once more. She was just starting to cry now, looking incredibly world-weary, particularly exhausted and a great deal like her old self. Just as beautiful. Just as dangerous. _Lost._

She suddenly moved to face him, kneeling so she looked him right in the eyes. Xan turned away from her, and she flinched as if slapped. "Xan, I said when. Not if. When. Because we will kill Irenicus. And we will. Not. Die." _She should not be crying... I cannot... _"I know I revolt you being what I am. I understand that. I cannot help it..."

_It still seems surreal. A dream. I will wake up and this will have been a nightmare. I will wake up-_

"There is always hope, Xan. Please... I know why you--- I know why I disgust you now. But I cannot change who my parents were, and there is nothing I can do..."

"Kitana, that is not what I---"

She interrupted, turning away from him. "I cannot help but wish for what we once had. But since that is impossible for now, let me make this perfectly clear. I will do the best of my ability to run this group and keep us all alive. I shall not allow my leadership skills to deteriorate, nor any of us to die. We will regain Imoen's soul and then my own, somehow. Because even like... Even like this, I have not lost hope."

_What have I done?_

Kitana turned back for a second glance at the enchanter, then took another step towards the door. The tears were still on her face; she had not wiped them away. "But you have lost hope," she said in almost a whisper, and it hurt more than if she had yelled.


End file.
